A New year.. Dear Jenny

Dear Jenny,

WTF.. I mean like Seriously WTF!!?? I am about to lose the last of my unemployment benefits, and there isn’t a job to be found.  My position was a line worker for GM.  Is there anything you can do?  My friends are in the same boat, and they would like to know too. – Sincerely Line Laborer, Hamtramck.

Dear Line Guy,

There are still plenty of people left working who will love to help you out. As you know, we seem to have developed a bit of a deficit in the UEC system, and currently owe the feds about 900 million dollars.  This creates a teeny little pickle, but don’t worry, I have a plan. The capitalist pigs who still remain viable are right now receiving notice that their unemployment insurance premiums on their remaining workforce is going to 50%.  This will ensure your benefits NEVER have to end, and at the very least you will have more unemployed brothers to rally against the imperialist, capitalist behemoth. – Jen

Dear Jenny,

I would like to participate in the cool cities program.  I make musical instruments out of spent ammunition casings.  My dad says I’ll never amount to anything cause I am 36, living at home, collecting disability because of my irritable bowel syndrome, am over weight and might be gay. Oh yeah.. I have a goatee.  Am I worthy? – Peter T Dunderschnyde III, Sparta

Dear Peter Dunkenflurd,

Are you worthy?  My dear man, you had me at “disability.” The rest is a bonus.  YOU are the type that brings originality to old dried up plantation towns such as Holland or Grand Rapids.  I can imagine a musical calliope made of all the disabled arms we will soon have.  This state NEEDS you.  We’ll start you off in Midland, cause they arent so cool right now.  – The Jenster

Attention readers!  I only have a little more time to share with you before I have to move on. (unless something changes – hint, hint) Please be as gracious to your next governor who has promised to pick up where I have left off.. including a “dear John” column.