When Pigs Fly

The skies will be safe once again.  At least that is the claim of a new Michigan CEO we were fortunate enough to arrange an interview with.

Michigan’s turnaround might well be augmented by the arrival of a new investment group which has started up a new airline with a built in anti terrorist element some might not have expected.  The activity by investors for the creation of Infidel Airlines, who’s slogan is ‘where pigs fly,’  is headed by the Maroon group of Detroit.  CEO Timothy Phelps says it is the answer to Michigan’s troubles as well as the lack of common sense in the air transportation industry.

The recent TSA scanner related issues, and the alternative pat down problems “are the tip of the iceberg,” says Phelps, who until recently headed a major manufacturing investment concern from Beijing China; ‘Levine,  Smythe & Wee Seung Pi.’  “The inordinate amount of time lost by travelers who miss flights because of detainment and search related mental breakdowns are at an astronomical level,”  continuing,  “The news media has failed to adequately present the true nature of what it is we are fighting.”

And its apparently NOT the amorphous generic passenger, such as grandma, or your three year old daughter.

Phelps notes “there has never been a terrorist attack on biker gangs which ride “Hawgs,” leading him to believe its akin to a vampire garlic relationship. “They just won’t come near our planes.”  He openly suggests the terrorists all share a particular ideology that is their Achilles heel: “Apparently no one has noticed, but all of the successful and NON successful hijack, or terror related plane activities are perpetrated by people who don’t like pigs.  Where pigs have been used on trains, buses and airplanes to discourage attacks, we have seen great success!”

What?

Mr Phelps has kept track.  And it seems he is correct.  The correlation between an extreme (some would say deathly fear) dislike for pork or anything related to pork, keeps terrorists at bay.  And the Maroon group which Phelps heads up is taking advantage of that fact for a profit.  The new airline boasts of pig leather, and other related pork sundries designed to keep ‘terrorists’ at bay.. permanently.  From their corporate website

How we do it.:

  • Genuine pig leather luxury seating – The soft rubbed leather of the finest swine will caress your skin in a way that no other commercial travel seat has.  Hand rubbed belts to hold you safely in times of turbulence are imbued with the blood of pigs treated for health and safety to be hypo-allergenic.
  • In flight meals are served with hand carved utensils made of the bones of Feral Arkansas boars.
  • ALL Flights have a showing of Charlotte’s Web on seat back monitors which cannot be turned off.
  • The ‘Flying Pigs’ are equipped with additives for com-trails that spread a few ppb of atomized pig waste.  This has actually been shown to enhance fertilization of the farmland that makes up so much of our flight path.
  • The Flying pigs sport the logo wrapped around the jet cylinders.  There is no question whom we are.
  • All of our food is prepared Kosher.  The violent method in which terrorist food is prepared is unacceptable for our patrons.

And though they do not openly boast on the site of contingencies where a terrorist might board one of their planes, Phelps suggests the staff is fully trained in the lethal use of the dinnerware. “We have our own training camps where hand to hand dealings are prepared for.  The safety of our passengers simply requires that investment.”

Which  brought out our questions about the Maroon group’s investments, and their selection of Michigan for their base of operations.

Phelps says its because of his experience with the Chinese.  “They were deathly afraid of Michigan,” said Phelps, adding “They understand Michiganders have great abilities.  They kept pointing out to me that if Michigan didn’t have to fight the US government, and its surrogate Jennifer Granholm, China would be in great trouble.”  “You see, they know of the manufacturing prowess of this state, and why it was so important to destroy it as a base, which this governor did for them.  They have still not figured out why our leaders would purposefully keep us down.”

Indeed.. neither have we.

On our question of whether the MEDC played a part in the decision to land its operation here by offering incentives, the CEO said: “Why would we need to get that?  Good business plans and ideas stand on their own, without the need to steal from the citizens.”

Thank goodness for a new time.. when Pigs might actually fly.

1 comment for “When Pigs Fly

  1. Toronaga
    November 21, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Now this is the best idea I have seen in a long, long time. It’s so simple that I really believe it will work. I do have one suggestion; in the lavitories when the toilet is flushed it would be nice if a small audio track of pigs grunting like they do while eating is played, just in case a really brave muslim tries to take a PIG Flight.

    Best of luck to on your endevor!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.

Loading Facebook Comments ...